I can hardly believe that in a few days that I’ll be climbing
on board a Jet Blue to return home.
On the other hand, I’m very ready to go home. It’s been an incredible experience and I’m also looking forward to firing up the wood stove and sleeping in my own bed in our beloved Quonset Hut. It’s going to be great.
Being with Roshi and the Big Mind process and group has been an experience of a lifetime. Many people come here year after year to be with Roshi and do the Big Mind process. I could just become one of those folks.
At the end of first week, I asked Roshi to become my teacher. It took me about that long to decide that he really is a highly realized being, maybe even enlightened (whatever that means -- nowadays I'm considering it as the fully integrated human being). Genpo Roshi’s the real deal.
I surprised myself because I am habitually very cautious, I hang back so much, checking things out to make sure it’s safe. But I came here with that question in mind, wondering in advance you might say. The spiritual peak experience I had about 2 years ago had set me on a path of opening up and I was finally beginning to understand the value of having a teacher (thanks to Sogyal Rinpoche). But there are a lot of wackos masquerading as enlightened teachers out there. So how do you determine who’s for real and who isn’t? It’s not easy.
But I was blown away by Roshi. He’s charismatic but he isn’t out to impress you. He’s the most masculine presence that I’ve ever met and I think that this was a big factor for me. I’ve done so much healing around my father in these past years, primarily through my relationship with Alistair and the alchemical retort that is Shalom community. Especially since moving to Shalom Mountain, I have discovered the very real river of love that I possess for my father. It had been blocked for so very long that I wasn’t even sure whether or not I possessed any. To find it not only was a joy but a total surprise.
So now I feel ready to enter into a relationship with a teacher. It’s an important part of the spiritual path and it means both to surrender and to submit. Surrender is the feminine principle, receptive, open. Submission is the masculine principle, active and penetrating. Both of them scare the bejesus out of me which is yet another layer of my conditioning as my father’s child. So becoming Roshi’s student is the right thing at the right time for me.
So these past 3 weeks have been a new journey for me to discover what this all means. In speaking with many of his students here, they have repeatedly told me that this kind of wondering IS the relationship. It never really ends and it's constantly changing. It's very intimate.
The other thing that I’m learning here is that through the compassion and kindness of the teacher, through direction transmission, I may have the nature of my mind revealed to me. Those are just words to me right now but they are filled with a kind of longing and hope as well.
I do know that I have sat next to Roshi during Zazen and that my meditation has been strengthened and carried along by the depth of his Samadhi (meditative state). I had only read about that kind of state experience before but now I have experienced it for myself. As far as I’m concerned, it’s totally true.
I absolutely have no regrets. Just a lot of curiosity as to what the hell this relationship is supposed to look like. I already have some hazy plans as to when to see Roshi next time. We might come back here next April for 2 weeks. If I do, then I will do a joining ceremony which in Zen is called Jukai; the Tibetans call it Taking Refuge. I have considered doing this for years, as a way of formalizing my Buddhist leanings. But I had never felt connected to any particularly sangha (community) before now. Roshi’s also coming to the east coast in the spring (NYC, Kripalu, D.C.) and I’ll also probably go there. It’s a tad closer than Salt Lake City.
Another thing that I am learning is that, if nothing else, the one thing that the student needs to do is to increasingly open herself to the teacher. This will be a very great challenge for me. Especially with a teacher who is so very masculine. Maybe even because he is so. As I transform, soften and open in response to this new relationship, the relationship will also deepen, and so will my spiritual experience. Not seeing Roshi very often appears to be an obstacle but perhaps it will also the catalyst. We’ll see. I’ll let you know.
In other news, this past week each one of us had to facilitate a group of 20 in the Big Mind process. Each one of us was rated and then ranked in the overall group. The results were announced today and I placed in the top 20! I outranked many long time students of Roshi’s who have had years of Zen and koan study and training. So go figure.
Of course, I am very pleased about all of this. But it’s laughable too because I was SO scared at the time. I’m amazed that my fear didn’t screw me up. Or perhaps because I knew that I was profoundly frightened that I was able to let the fear just be. But afterwards, as the fear left and the group was over, I felt waves of shame pour through me. Hmmm….what do you think? Do you think there’s a mat trip in there somewhere???
So Alistair and I will be bringing all of this home to Shalom. We already have two dates scheduled to do the Big Mind process at home. Because of trademark restrictions, we can’t use the words Big Mind but we can facilitate the process. And we sure will. We have a date in February and one in August and we’ve titled the retreat Opening to Oneness. We will be combining Big Mind process with Shalom process and we are very excited as to what will emerge in this marriage of processes.
I'll probably write once more before leaving, or upon returning home. Read ya then.