I've finally found the camera cable and I've discovered how to create and embed a slideshow for you here. After I did so, I realized that I've been so immersed in life between the sangha house and the zendo, that I don't have many pictures! But it's a start. I'll take more and post them later. In the meantime, I'm rather pleased with myself to have discovered how to do this. This can have all kinds of great possibilities for the Shalom Mountain website that I maintain.
Today was a great day with Roshi and crew. Today Diane taught us how to use Big Mind during our individual meditations. Alistair has already been doing this, so I decided to give it a try tonight during our meditation which was 1.5 hours long. Both Roshi and Diane keep emphasizing that if we want to learn how to facilitate Big Mind (and I do) that we/I need to learn these voices within myself very, very well. So the trick -- if that's what you call it -- is to do Big Mind dialogue with yourself, playing both the facilitator and the voices. Well, it was an incredible experience. I talked to a whole slew of voices, some of whom were very vocal, and others timid, more emergent. I discovered those who were allies to one another, those who were saboteurs. I also knew when I had a transformative conversation with some particular voice, because my body responded with released energy in the form of heat and sweating. And no, they're not hot flashes! -- remember, the zendo's cold.
This coming weekend Roshi's offering a workshop called The Path of the Human Being. To Roshi, the truly transcendent being is the human being, not the Christian transcendent perfection dream that I used to know as a former born again Christian. So I'm more than a little intrigued.
I've put the slideshow on the left hand side bar. I'm adding pictures to it regularly now.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Roshi Rides a Harley
Very cool. Every afternoon Genpo Roshi roars in on his Harley motorcycle to teach. Then he walks into the zendo in black t-shirt, black sweater, jeans ripped at the knees and black motorcycle boots. How cool – and sexy -- is that. I just realized that he, and Diane Hamilton, are the only ones who wear shoes in the zendo. (I guess enlightenment has its privileges.)
Yesterday afternoon began with a bang. Even after 2 days of listening to the Voice of the Boaster, the group wasn’t finished as there were at least 20 or so people yet to speak. And I was steeling myself to face yet another afternoon of listening to 10-20 minute long soliloquies by the Boaster. Mercifully, Roshi cut the Boaster short and moved on by asking us to speak as another voice.
The voice he asked for sent freaking out waves through the group. He asked to speak to the Sexual Pervert. I laughed out loud. As a long time leader of erotic retreats, this is one of my favorite subjects, the topic of many a meal conversation. It used to be my karma that no matter who I was with, within 10 minutes we’d be talking about sex, sexual histories, sexual preferences, sexual scary places. So I was really interested to see how this would all evolve. I was also curious to see what points of further resistance I might have to speaking in this voice.
First Roshi explained that he wasn’t asking us to speak about our sexual perversions per se, it’s just that through using this name repeatedly he’s found that the word “perversion” carries a very big energetic and emotional charge. And that this charge acts as a suppressor of the life force energy behind it. At Shalom we frequently speak about how our culture has a deep and painful split between sexuality and spirituality. Roshi added to this subject by saying that when we came into incarnation, integral to the process of incarnation was the creation of this split. Part of the little game of forgetting that we play with ourselves in our search to rejoin with our true nature, oneness, unity, or whatever similar term you care to use. This is a very Zen-like reflection, which is always turning us from a subject-object relationship to a subject without an object relationship. Far from theoretical, it is the repeated experience of union.
Before people could speak with the voice of the Sexual Pervert, the Voice of Fear made a big showing. In fact, Fear almost became the voice of the afternoon, that’s how much it needed to speak on the subject. What I heard was that if the Sexual Pervert were allowed to speak, then its small-s self, the personality, might act out without any limitations. That made the whole prospect very dangerous. Others, myself included, were afraid of being judged for their sexual acts or even for expressing that they liked sex – that was me. The Voice of Fear made for a very high and intense energetic in the room.
When Fear had said enough, the Voice of the Sexual Pervert began to speak. Very hesitant at first, still wary, there were several painful experiences that were revealed and held in honor. Eventually, when the experiences were expressed and opened up, the voice gained in strength until there was much laughter and kundalini experiences happening throughout the room. All the trapped energy was being released and people were enjoying themselves, the movement of the sexual energy through their bodies, and the relief of being able to speak aloud and be witnessed.
Sound familiar? Very Shalom-like.
Then in one very dramatic moment, I witnessed Roshi in his most masculine aspect as he worked with a man to release him from the bind of a parental figure. Shouting at him in one powerful burst, “NOW!”, the man freed himself from the parental figure with an incredibly powerful samurai-like act. It was like witnessing a seated mat trip.
I am quickly coming to admire Roshi. At Shalom I live with two of the most incredible and loving active listeners that I know – Joy & Lawrence. In Roshi I have met someone equally skilled and compassionate. When I watch him and feel into him, he feels as open as the air all around us – no resistance at all. He receives and affirms through his very being. Yet, when needed, he has that powerful and decisive masculine presence that cuts like a knife. Throughout, I sense an incredible depth of compassion in him. It is not personal, though; he’s not our friend. He is a beacon and teacher for those of us who wish to awaken. Quite literally, he wants our liberation.
I’ll end here by quoting a chant that we do at the end of evening zazen.
Sentient beings are numberless, I vow to save them.
Desires are inexhaustible, I vow to put an end to them.
The Dharmas are boundless, I vow to master them.
The Buddha Way is unsurpassable, I vow to attain it.
Yesterday afternoon began with a bang. Even after 2 days of listening to the Voice of the Boaster, the group wasn’t finished as there were at least 20 or so people yet to speak. And I was steeling myself to face yet another afternoon of listening to 10-20 minute long soliloquies by the Boaster. Mercifully, Roshi cut the Boaster short and moved on by asking us to speak as another voice.
The voice he asked for sent freaking out waves through the group. He asked to speak to the Sexual Pervert. I laughed out loud. As a long time leader of erotic retreats, this is one of my favorite subjects, the topic of many a meal conversation. It used to be my karma that no matter who I was with, within 10 minutes we’d be talking about sex, sexual histories, sexual preferences, sexual scary places. So I was really interested to see how this would all evolve. I was also curious to see what points of further resistance I might have to speaking in this voice.
First Roshi explained that he wasn’t asking us to speak about our sexual perversions per se, it’s just that through using this name repeatedly he’s found that the word “perversion” carries a very big energetic and emotional charge. And that this charge acts as a suppressor of the life force energy behind it. At Shalom we frequently speak about how our culture has a deep and painful split between sexuality and spirituality. Roshi added to this subject by saying that when we came into incarnation, integral to the process of incarnation was the creation of this split. Part of the little game of forgetting that we play with ourselves in our search to rejoin with our true nature, oneness, unity, or whatever similar term you care to use. This is a very Zen-like reflection, which is always turning us from a subject-object relationship to a subject without an object relationship. Far from theoretical, it is the repeated experience of union.
Before people could speak with the voice of the Sexual Pervert, the Voice of Fear made a big showing. In fact, Fear almost became the voice of the afternoon, that’s how much it needed to speak on the subject. What I heard was that if the Sexual Pervert were allowed to speak, then its small-s self, the personality, might act out without any limitations. That made the whole prospect very dangerous. Others, myself included, were afraid of being judged for their sexual acts or even for expressing that they liked sex – that was me. The Voice of Fear made for a very high and intense energetic in the room.
When Fear had said enough, the Voice of the Sexual Pervert began to speak. Very hesitant at first, still wary, there were several painful experiences that were revealed and held in honor. Eventually, when the experiences were expressed and opened up, the voice gained in strength until there was much laughter and kundalini experiences happening throughout the room. All the trapped energy was being released and people were enjoying themselves, the movement of the sexual energy through their bodies, and the relief of being able to speak aloud and be witnessed.
Sound familiar? Very Shalom-like.
Then in one very dramatic moment, I witnessed Roshi in his most masculine aspect as he worked with a man to release him from the bind of a parental figure. Shouting at him in one powerful burst, “NOW!”, the man freed himself from the parental figure with an incredibly powerful samurai-like act. It was like witnessing a seated mat trip.
I am quickly coming to admire Roshi. At Shalom I live with two of the most incredible and loving active listeners that I know – Joy & Lawrence. In Roshi I have met someone equally skilled and compassionate. When I watch him and feel into him, he feels as open as the air all around us – no resistance at all. He receives and affirms through his very being. Yet, when needed, he has that powerful and decisive masculine presence that cuts like a knife. Throughout, I sense an incredible depth of compassion in him. It is not personal, though; he’s not our friend. He is a beacon and teacher for those of us who wish to awaken. Quite literally, he wants our liberation.
I’ll end here by quoting a chant that we do at the end of evening zazen.
Sentient beings are numberless, I vow to save them.
Desires are inexhaustible, I vow to put an end to them.
The Dharmas are boundless, I vow to master them.
The Buddha Way is unsurpassable, I vow to attain it.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Of Big Mind and Cold Butts
I think that Alistair’s Muse is still jet lagged, so I wanted to write a bit more.
The morning is dark and chilly as I make my way from the sangha house to the zendo. The houses are right next door to each other; the path is a series of stones set into the front garden to avoid the extra few steps to the sidewalk and back again. In this short path I already feel a tranquility in the setting. But because it’s cold AND dark, I’m feeling grumpy. The cold doesn’t lessen by entering the zendo. That’s because it’s not heated. Ever. So I start practicing letting go of expectations, repeating to myself “be content with whatever arises”. Great practice but I’m still freezing my ass off.
I go up the stairs into the darkened zendo. There is nothing but a single candle on the altar, giving soft light to the space. There are several people already there, seated on their cushions. Some of them are civilians like me while others are monks dressed in traditional robes. But all of them are sitting still and the pervasive air is one of deep focus. But if they're like me, they're listening to an endless internal chatter like snow on TV.
I bow to the altar, I bow to my meditation bench and bow to my companions before I seat myself. As I sit down, I notice that the window behind me is open. I silently curse and let go once again. There’s a lot of letting go in this business, it seems. And I’m still freezing my ass off.
As we sit, the light outside the windows brightens as night transforms into day. The metaphor isn’t lost on me.
Yesterday afternoon, after much anticipation, we finally met The Big Man – Genpo Roshi. Not one for preliminaries, he launched into one of the voices of the Big Mind process. He asked us each one of us in turn to come up to the front and speak with the voice of The Boaster. All of us newbies have been asked to sit at the front, and so we spoke right away. What came out was almost exactly like telling our stories at a Shalom Retreat. People spoke of all the glorious as well as the painful places in their life. Only this time, they spoke of the painful places with pride and a sense of accomplishment. Some people bragged outrageously. Some people told their story quite simply, giving themselves permission to boast about important parts in their life for the first time. It was great community building.
And there are remarkable people here. Many of whom speak with the same voice as I hear at Shalom very often, about how this process – and, often, Genpo Roshi – has changed their lives. Many feel that the practice and the zendo are home.
There’s the monk who came to Kanzeon at a time when he was ready to kill himself. Now he is still a monk but has left the monastery to marry and have a child, the which has equally completely changed his life. Now he calls himself the greatest bodhisattva ever.
There’s the woman who was named several times over as THE extreme skier in North America. Now she runs a ski instruction school informed by zen. It’s already received rave reviews in the major ski magazines.
There’s the man who had a peak experience in the Himalayas and is here to try to understand what happened to him.
There’s the man whose awakening caused his life to fall apart. He’s excited by having the tool of Big Mind to help others to awaken.
There’s the woman who is a life coach and exhausted from giving to others and struggling to know her own boundaries, and hoping that Big Mind might help.
There’s the MTF who is as brilliant as Ken Wilber and with a new body.
Last night, a woman sitting next to me in zazen passed out and several of us helped her out of the zendo and into the helping hands of paramedics.
People’s lives are front and center in this process of awakening. I am quickly learning that it is, as Roshi says, the path of the human being. He says that our ordinary mind is our awakened mind, we just don’t recognize it. That makes my conceptual mind (not to be confused with the thinking mind) screech like a banshee, yet my body feels a profound sense of relief.
And me? I’m here to keep waking up. I, too, am excited to find a tool that gives people an experience of awakening. I've been crying with gratitude to find something so easy yet profound, that comes seated in a solid foundation of a practice and lineage.
I am considering taking refuge by the end of our time here, and coming back on a regular basis to study with Roshi. I am coming to a knowing that Roshi is my teacher, something that I’ve shyly suspected for a few months now. I am going to have a conversation with him so that I can look directly into his eyes, see the clarity of him, and feel him with my entire being.
The morning is dark and chilly as I make my way from the sangha house to the zendo. The houses are right next door to each other; the path is a series of stones set into the front garden to avoid the extra few steps to the sidewalk and back again. In this short path I already feel a tranquility in the setting. But because it’s cold AND dark, I’m feeling grumpy. The cold doesn’t lessen by entering the zendo. That’s because it’s not heated. Ever. So I start practicing letting go of expectations, repeating to myself “be content with whatever arises”. Great practice but I’m still freezing my ass off.
I go up the stairs into the darkened zendo. There is nothing but a single candle on the altar, giving soft light to the space. There are several people already there, seated on their cushions. Some of them are civilians like me while others are monks dressed in traditional robes. But all of them are sitting still and the pervasive air is one of deep focus. But if they're like me, they're listening to an endless internal chatter like snow on TV.
I bow to the altar, I bow to my meditation bench and bow to my companions before I seat myself. As I sit down, I notice that the window behind me is open. I silently curse and let go once again. There’s a lot of letting go in this business, it seems. And I’m still freezing my ass off.
As we sit, the light outside the windows brightens as night transforms into day. The metaphor isn’t lost on me.
Yesterday afternoon, after much anticipation, we finally met The Big Man – Genpo Roshi. Not one for preliminaries, he launched into one of the voices of the Big Mind process. He asked us each one of us in turn to come up to the front and speak with the voice of The Boaster. All of us newbies have been asked to sit at the front, and so we spoke right away. What came out was almost exactly like telling our stories at a Shalom Retreat. People spoke of all the glorious as well as the painful places in their life. Only this time, they spoke of the painful places with pride and a sense of accomplishment. Some people bragged outrageously. Some people told their story quite simply, giving themselves permission to boast about important parts in their life for the first time. It was great community building.
And there are remarkable people here. Many of whom speak with the same voice as I hear at Shalom very often, about how this process – and, often, Genpo Roshi – has changed their lives. Many feel that the practice and the zendo are home.
There’s the monk who came to Kanzeon at a time when he was ready to kill himself. Now he is still a monk but has left the monastery to marry and have a child, the which has equally completely changed his life. Now he calls himself the greatest bodhisattva ever.
There’s the woman who was named several times over as THE extreme skier in North America. Now she runs a ski instruction school informed by zen. It’s already received rave reviews in the major ski magazines.
There’s the man who had a peak experience in the Himalayas and is here to try to understand what happened to him.
There’s the man whose awakening caused his life to fall apart. He’s excited by having the tool of Big Mind to help others to awaken.
There’s the woman who is a life coach and exhausted from giving to others and struggling to know her own boundaries, and hoping that Big Mind might help.
There’s the MTF who is as brilliant as Ken Wilber and with a new body.
Last night, a woman sitting next to me in zazen passed out and several of us helped her out of the zendo and into the helping hands of paramedics.
People’s lives are front and center in this process of awakening. I am quickly learning that it is, as Roshi says, the path of the human being. He says that our ordinary mind is our awakened mind, we just don’t recognize it. That makes my conceptual mind (not to be confused with the thinking mind) screech like a banshee, yet my body feels a profound sense of relief.
And me? I’m here to keep waking up. I, too, am excited to find a tool that gives people an experience of awakening. I've been crying with gratitude to find something so easy yet profound, that comes seated in a solid foundation of a practice and lineage.
I am considering taking refuge by the end of our time here, and coming back on a regular basis to study with Roshi. I am coming to a knowing that Roshi is my teacher, something that I’ve shyly suspected for a few months now. I am going to have a conversation with him so that I can look directly into his eyes, see the clarity of him, and feel him with my entire being.
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