I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
Meredith Brooks
Now, come on, all of you who know me well know that’s true. I can be a bitch. For those of you who don’t know me that well, just wait awhile. She’s bound to turn up sooner or later.
Roshi’s still into delving into disowned voices, most of them his. Today he started out with the Voice of Passion. But it was putting everyone to sleep, me included. So then he switched to the Voice of the Asshole and all hell broke loose. There was lots of jeering, Assholes saying pissy things to each other, even a smatter of philosophizing that only received sniggering. The women couldn’t relate to the word Asshole, so Bitch was substituted – that worked better for me too.
Roshi admitted that this voice is disowned in him and he’s trying to understand this part of himself better. The group mostly struggled with the aggression that seems built into the Asshole – why would you consciously want to be that aggressive? Some guys tried to say that the Asshole was the voice of male compassion. That was roundly booed down.
On the way to dinner, me with 4 other guys, we talked about being an Asshole unconsciously versus consciously. Some of us said that it’s really a primitive power that’s helpful and necessary for survival, when under attack, or at war (my personal favorite). Others thought that the Asshole only had a negative, unconscious side to it and couldn’t see anything positive about it at all, never mind conscious. I’m not so sure about that, but I couldn’t come up with a positive side either. I agree that if you’re consciously an Asshole, that’s pretty direct and mean. But still, there’s got to be something positive – it only makes sense. Every negative has a positive.
As we were talking over dinner, three of the guys turned into assholes right before my very eyes as they were teasing the fourth guy. The one being teased is young, 24 years old, and has just recently moved here to become enlightened. He says he’ll stay here the rest of his life until that happens. Talking to him was like talking to a newlywed who just won’t believe that his soon-to-be-spouse will one day surely turn into a three-headed purple monster at some point in the relationship. He just can’t hear it because that’s not the stage he’s at; he’s in the in-love stage that gets only the positive projection. As they say, the intended only pees (never pisses!) perfume. Still, these three assholes had a field day with him. But oh no, they weren’t conscious! But they were definitely having a lot of fun being assholes. It was fascinating.
As for me, I also shy away from considering that being a bitch consciously has a positive aspect to it. Even so, it’s just got to be there. When words like fag, dyke and queer – historically reviled words -- have been redeemed, why not Asshole and Bitch? Still, it’s an awful lot of fun just to be a bitch, to have it encouraged and loved, and enjoy it for what it is. When it’s unconscious though, which I admit is most of the time for me, everyone else can see it but me. That’s the very definition of unconscious. And I’m sure many of you have seen it in me lots of times. Poor Alistair gets the brunt of it, that’s for sure. But then hey, that’s what marriage partners are for – working out your projective bullshit. Making it conscious, holding it with awareness (aka Big Mind) and love (aka Big Heart), can keep the damage to a minimum. Heck, maybe my bitch can even be celebrated.
I have to admit something else. Before coming here, I knew that Shalom Mountain does really good shadow work. Owning something like your asshole or your bitch is almost routine. But after being here this past month and seeing Roshi plow through disowned voice after disowned voice, I want to state that the shadow work that’s done at Shalom Mountain is absolutely incredible. Big Mind can learn a thing or two from it.
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
Meredith Brooks
Now, come on, all of you who know me well know that’s true. I can be a bitch. For those of you who don’t know me that well, just wait awhile. She’s bound to turn up sooner or later.
Roshi’s still into delving into disowned voices, most of them his. Today he started out with the Voice of Passion. But it was putting everyone to sleep, me included. So then he switched to the Voice of the Asshole and all hell broke loose. There was lots of jeering, Assholes saying pissy things to each other, even a smatter of philosophizing that only received sniggering. The women couldn’t relate to the word Asshole, so Bitch was substituted – that worked better for me too.
Roshi admitted that this voice is disowned in him and he’s trying to understand this part of himself better. The group mostly struggled with the aggression that seems built into the Asshole – why would you consciously want to be that aggressive? Some guys tried to say that the Asshole was the voice of male compassion. That was roundly booed down.
On the way to dinner, me with 4 other guys, we talked about being an Asshole unconsciously versus consciously. Some of us said that it’s really a primitive power that’s helpful and necessary for survival, when under attack, or at war (my personal favorite). Others thought that the Asshole only had a negative, unconscious side to it and couldn’t see anything positive about it at all, never mind conscious. I’m not so sure about that, but I couldn’t come up with a positive side either. I agree that if you’re consciously an Asshole, that’s pretty direct and mean. But still, there’s got to be something positive – it only makes sense. Every negative has a positive.
As we were talking over dinner, three of the guys turned into assholes right before my very eyes as they were teasing the fourth guy. The one being teased is young, 24 years old, and has just recently moved here to become enlightened. He says he’ll stay here the rest of his life until that happens. Talking to him was like talking to a newlywed who just won’t believe that his soon-to-be-spouse will one day surely turn into a three-headed purple monster at some point in the relationship. He just can’t hear it because that’s not the stage he’s at; he’s in the in-love stage that gets only the positive projection. As they say, the intended only pees (never pisses!) perfume. Still, these three assholes had a field day with him. But oh no, they weren’t conscious! But they were definitely having a lot of fun being assholes. It was fascinating.
As for me, I also shy away from considering that being a bitch consciously has a positive aspect to it. Even so, it’s just got to be there. When words like fag, dyke and queer – historically reviled words -- have been redeemed, why not Asshole and Bitch? Still, it’s an awful lot of fun just to be a bitch, to have it encouraged and loved, and enjoy it for what it is. When it’s unconscious though, which I admit is most of the time for me, everyone else can see it but me. That’s the very definition of unconscious. And I’m sure many of you have seen it in me lots of times. Poor Alistair gets the brunt of it, that’s for sure. But then hey, that’s what marriage partners are for – working out your projective bullshit. Making it conscious, holding it with awareness (aka Big Mind) and love (aka Big Heart), can keep the damage to a minimum. Heck, maybe my bitch can even be celebrated.
I have to admit something else. Before coming here, I knew that Shalom Mountain does really good shadow work. Owning something like your asshole or your bitch is almost routine. But after being here this past month and seeing Roshi plow through disowned voice after disowned voice, I want to state that the shadow work that’s done at Shalom Mountain is absolutely incredible. Big Mind can learn a thing or two from it.
1 comment:
I, too, am a bitch :). I've been sitting here pondering the positive side of bitchiness, and here's what I've come up with: passion. When I'm bitchy, I'm tapped in to my anger. I lose it, a lot of the time, but when I shift into bitch mode, I am really, really tapped in to my anger. And as it passes, and I clean up the messes that I've made during my unconscious bitchiness, I find my passion. Now, what if I were to consciously shift into bitch mode in a safe setting? Say, journaling, for instance, or...writing a letter to Bush? (grins). If I could really let myself speak as Bitch, could I then tap into my anger, and live more passionately? It's a thought.
My other idea about the positivity of bitchiness is for protection: I know I tend to use it as a shield for my tender, tender heart. I'm not entirely sure it's healthy, but my bitch tends to manifest herself when I'm threatened or scared. It's done me some good, too...but she's pretty powerful, my bitch is, and I've made some pretty big messes with her, too. But a few times, when I've been in genuine need of protection, letting her speak has helped me out a lot.
I can't wait to talk to you when you get back - to talk some more about this, and to hear more about your experiences, and other things. Miss you and love you. :)
Emma
Post a Comment