It’s day 3 of the final week at Big Mind. Sitting in meditation last night, I could feel the preciousness of the moment. And of all the moments that are coming down the pipe this week. It won’t be long now until we’re on the red eye flight back to JFK on Sunday. But until then, there is a whole lifetime to be lived in this week.
The first week we gelled as a group, all of us grooving on each other’s company. The second week Roshi started teaching basic Zen a la Big Mind process, which is a whole other experience, far more interactive. Last week we started learning more about facilitation skills and practicing in mid-size group. This week we’re doing Big Mind facilitation in larger groups. We’ll be evaluated on a numeric scale based on a 25 minute session where we have to cruise through 4 voices in rapid succession. Then we’ll be ranked and the results will be posted for community viewing. The Competitor voices are starting to show up. I’ve often found competition distasteful, which has resulted in my own lagging development in this area. So I’m learning to love my Competitor voice and appreciate the way she straightens up my spine.
Roshi’s been working us hard these past 4 weeks doing shadow work. His personal passion right now is to discover disowned voices, allow them to speak and then to integrate them. Most often he uses the triangle model, a recent invention of his, to align the dualistic voice (usually the disowned voice) with wisdom and compassion. Often, when that happens, the apex voice (the integrated voice) manifests as a transcendent voice. Not always, but frequently.
Last night we worked on the voices of The Doer, The Non-Doer (or Non-Doing) and the apex or integrated voice of The Doer & The Non-Doer. It was a wonderful experience for me. I learned that when I just do, then there is a joy and a passion that flows naturally from the doing. The “what” of the doing isn’t as important as the sheer joy of just doing. Where I get stuck is by insisting that doing be partnered with meaning. I absolutely can’t stand doing without meaning; in fact, I find it stupid and painful. For me that just leads to the insanity of working like crazy for no apparent reason. I’m talking about the kind of working that verges on workaholism as addiction. It’s an addiction that keeps me from living my life fully and prevents me from touching into the parts in me that are painful or difficult. While I'm not crazy about pain, I am committed to seeing things (myself) clearly.
For me, The Non-Doer is much closer in feeling to Being. The Non-Doer is essential for me because it is the place from which I re-fuel, the source of energy for Doing. I can also tell when Non-Doing veers into laziness or can feel the resulting energy drain and lethargy. But when I’m in Non-Doing, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated, even joyful.
Last night, when I put those 2 voices together and spoke from the apex, I discovered that the Non-Doer is the source of power, creativity, energy and direction for the Doer. Even more so, the Non-Doer offers the Doer confidence and wisdom. But meaning? Not sure where that comes from as yet. I’ll have to sit with these voices a bit longer and see what comes up.
This Saturday Roshi will finish the training with a teaching on Tantric Zen and it will be a transmission. Before arriving here, I was really mystified about transmission, not having a clue what it's all about, feeling that it was rather mysterious. After these weeks with Roshi, I believe I have received transmission several times over. And so have most of us who have experienced the transcendent on the Sunday morning of a Shalom Retreat. As I understand it now, transmission is Roshi’s capacity to hold – and my capacity to receive and hold – the energy of the transcendent, the non-dual state, without returning to a dualistic state prematurely. Alistair calls this feeling “swoopy”, especially when referring to being in love. In Roshi’s presence, I am learning to call this a new perspective that aligns me with wisdom and compassion.
I’m ready to go home. Looking forward to it yet not wanting to “be there” until I’m there. I’m still got being to do here. Time is precious.
With love from,
The Dual-ble Girl
The first week we gelled as a group, all of us grooving on each other’s company. The second week Roshi started teaching basic Zen a la Big Mind process, which is a whole other experience, far more interactive. Last week we started learning more about facilitation skills and practicing in mid-size group. This week we’re doing Big Mind facilitation in larger groups. We’ll be evaluated on a numeric scale based on a 25 minute session where we have to cruise through 4 voices in rapid succession. Then we’ll be ranked and the results will be posted for community viewing. The Competitor voices are starting to show up. I’ve often found competition distasteful, which has resulted in my own lagging development in this area. So I’m learning to love my Competitor voice and appreciate the way she straightens up my spine.
Roshi’s been working us hard these past 4 weeks doing shadow work. His personal passion right now is to discover disowned voices, allow them to speak and then to integrate them. Most often he uses the triangle model, a recent invention of his, to align the dualistic voice (usually the disowned voice) with wisdom and compassion. Often, when that happens, the apex voice (the integrated voice) manifests as a transcendent voice. Not always, but frequently.
Last night we worked on the voices of The Doer, The Non-Doer (or Non-Doing) and the apex or integrated voice of The Doer & The Non-Doer. It was a wonderful experience for me. I learned that when I just do, then there is a joy and a passion that flows naturally from the doing. The “what” of the doing isn’t as important as the sheer joy of just doing. Where I get stuck is by insisting that doing be partnered with meaning. I absolutely can’t stand doing without meaning; in fact, I find it stupid and painful. For me that just leads to the insanity of working like crazy for no apparent reason. I’m talking about the kind of working that verges on workaholism as addiction. It’s an addiction that keeps me from living my life fully and prevents me from touching into the parts in me that are painful or difficult. While I'm not crazy about pain, I am committed to seeing things (myself) clearly.
For me, The Non-Doer is much closer in feeling to Being. The Non-Doer is essential for me because it is the place from which I re-fuel, the source of energy for Doing. I can also tell when Non-Doing veers into laziness or can feel the resulting energy drain and lethargy. But when I’m in Non-Doing, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated, even joyful.
Last night, when I put those 2 voices together and spoke from the apex, I discovered that the Non-Doer is the source of power, creativity, energy and direction for the Doer. Even more so, the Non-Doer offers the Doer confidence and wisdom. But meaning? Not sure where that comes from as yet. I’ll have to sit with these voices a bit longer and see what comes up.
This Saturday Roshi will finish the training with a teaching on Tantric Zen and it will be a transmission. Before arriving here, I was really mystified about transmission, not having a clue what it's all about, feeling that it was rather mysterious. After these weeks with Roshi, I believe I have received transmission several times over. And so have most of us who have experienced the transcendent on the Sunday morning of a Shalom Retreat. As I understand it now, transmission is Roshi’s capacity to hold – and my capacity to receive and hold – the energy of the transcendent, the non-dual state, without returning to a dualistic state prematurely. Alistair calls this feeling “swoopy”, especially when referring to being in love. In Roshi’s presence, I am learning to call this a new perspective that aligns me with wisdom and compassion.
I’m ready to go home. Looking forward to it yet not wanting to “be there” until I’m there. I’m still got being to do here. Time is precious.
With love from,
The Dual-ble Girl
2 comments:
Pat and Alistair,
Thanks for sharing your experience, which I just finally made some time catch-up on and be with. Now that I have, I'm all the more looking forward to spending time with Alistair at the end of the month -- knowing that you'll bring some part of Big Mind.
Be well and thanks again. You're both precious beings.
Ray
Pat, I am wondering about that "meaning" thing too as it relates to doing. Does planting flowers have meaning? Why? What about golf? Is fun enough meaning to mean something? Does "meaning" mean serious or important? What if we do something just to feel good? Does "just feeling good" have meaning?
Post a Comment