I really love writing for this blog. I want to thank everyone who’s been tagging along and sending me wonderful comments, sharing your experiences with me. I also want to specially thank Gerry Rumold for loaning us the laptop we’re using for big chunks of time every day. It’s been a huge gift. Thank you!
This week we’re moving into the more serious space of actually doing facilitation with one another in small groups of 10. This has intensified the whole experience for me, even while I'm beginning to feel the excitement of the "project" of Big Mind wear off.
I'm starting to feel pretty ordinary being here as I settle into the routines more deeply: wake up, meditation, breakfast, work hour, free hour, teaching & practice, lunch, free time, afternoon with Roshi, dinner, zazen or teaching
I'm bored. I started feeling bored a few days ago. On top of it all, feeling bored catapults me into worrying about not being engaged in the process. I feel sleepy during meditation and I yawn even when Roshi’s facilitating. It’s really true what they say: wherever you go, there you are. I think I’m coming face to face with myself. I bore myself.
This afternoon, Roshi facilitated the Voice of the Sexual Pervert again. A collective groan went through the group. I interpreted the groan as “oh no, can’t we move on from this, we’re bored with this one by now”. Alistair interpreted it as “oh, no, not again, we’re uncomfortable.” I guess I know what I was projecting.
Still, my boredom made the afternoon stretch into an eternity. Every time I thought Roshi was finished with the voice, he’d just start into another aspect of it. Then I spent some time feeling guilty that I was bored. All the reasons started colliding in my head: I’ve come from across the country to be here, I moved my life around just to be here for a month, not to mention spending a lot of money on this training, etc., etc. Being bored just doesn’t fit in with my idea of how I should be: an industrious, attentive, good little Zen student. All bright-eyed with enthusiasm, sharing frequently and openly in the group. But that’s just not my reality.
But isn’t that what Zen is all about? Not having preferences of one thing over another? (Or is that just another idea I’m trying to shoehorn myself into, one that fits in with my particular view?) Zen is definitely not about moralizing one way or the other. But that one flies in the face of my recovering fundamentalist Christian background, one that preferences good over evil. Or at the very least, good behavior is supposed to reward me better than if I am bored. Gratefully, in a conversation with one of the monks this evening, he validated me, saying that it’s okay for me to be bored. That maybe this voice is fairly integrated in me. That makes sense to me. Maybe that’s why doing corn starch massage at retreats bores me stupid. Been there, done that. I don’t even need the t-shirt. I’d rather wash my hair.
Deeper down though, what I secretly fear is that I’m missing out on something if I’m busy being bored. For instance, I’m admittedly attached to awakening. What if I miss the moment of awakening just because I’m bored?
On the other hand, what if I just give myself a break and admit that yes, every single moment of my life is precious and awakening can happen at any moment. Even when I’m not looking. Even when I’m bored. Maybe even because I’m bored. Now wouldn't that be a trip? That makes me laugh!
This week we’re moving into the more serious space of actually doing facilitation with one another in small groups of 10. This has intensified the whole experience for me, even while I'm beginning to feel the excitement of the "project" of Big Mind wear off.
I'm starting to feel pretty ordinary being here as I settle into the routines more deeply: wake up, meditation, breakfast, work hour, free hour, teaching & practice, lunch, free time, afternoon with Roshi, dinner, zazen or teaching
I'm bored. I started feeling bored a few days ago. On top of it all, feeling bored catapults me into worrying about not being engaged in the process. I feel sleepy during meditation and I yawn even when Roshi’s facilitating. It’s really true what they say: wherever you go, there you are. I think I’m coming face to face with myself. I bore myself.
This afternoon, Roshi facilitated the Voice of the Sexual Pervert again. A collective groan went through the group. I interpreted the groan as “oh no, can’t we move on from this, we’re bored with this one by now”. Alistair interpreted it as “oh, no, not again, we’re uncomfortable.” I guess I know what I was projecting.
Still, my boredom made the afternoon stretch into an eternity. Every time I thought Roshi was finished with the voice, he’d just start into another aspect of it. Then I spent some time feeling guilty that I was bored. All the reasons started colliding in my head: I’ve come from across the country to be here, I moved my life around just to be here for a month, not to mention spending a lot of money on this training, etc., etc. Being bored just doesn’t fit in with my idea of how I should be: an industrious, attentive, good little Zen student. All bright-eyed with enthusiasm, sharing frequently and openly in the group. But that’s just not my reality.
But isn’t that what Zen is all about? Not having preferences of one thing over another? (Or is that just another idea I’m trying to shoehorn myself into, one that fits in with my particular view?) Zen is definitely not about moralizing one way or the other. But that one flies in the face of my recovering fundamentalist Christian background, one that preferences good over evil. Or at the very least, good behavior is supposed to reward me better than if I am bored. Gratefully, in a conversation with one of the monks this evening, he validated me, saying that it’s okay for me to be bored. That maybe this voice is fairly integrated in me. That makes sense to me. Maybe that’s why doing corn starch massage at retreats bores me stupid. Been there, done that. I don’t even need the t-shirt. I’d rather wash my hair.
Deeper down though, what I secretly fear is that I’m missing out on something if I’m busy being bored. For instance, I’m admittedly attached to awakening. What if I miss the moment of awakening just because I’m bored?
On the other hand, what if I just give myself a break and admit that yes, every single moment of my life is precious and awakening can happen at any moment. Even when I’m not looking. Even when I’m bored. Maybe even because I’m bored. Now wouldn't that be a trip? That makes me laugh!
3 comments:
Wow Pat, this is sure not boring to read. I laughed several times thinking dear Pat you are so real. And then a tear started along with the laughter and at the end I just let it go and cried. I don't understand but I sure feel a lot. love you Pat, Linda
It's early, and I'm sitting here looking out at the fall leaves on the tree outside my window and feeling the moment. And I reflected suddenly Pat that what you and Alistair are doing with your lives, the direction and path you are embracing, it is like it reflects the value of one of my selves back to me. This is a historical self. I may have joked with you once that when I reading and inviting spiritual experience when I younger I happened on a book about buddhism once when I was shopping on Queen Street, somewhere around where City TV is roughly, whose title resonated for me. The title was Being Nobody Going Nowhere. Recently I said to someone that I used to find the title funny. I enjoyed it. I shake my head about that now because in fact I am nobody who is nowhere by most standards, including my own, standards which I cannot afford to ignore any longer at this point. Looking back and seeing this, it speaks to the power of intentionality (perhaps). Hmmm. So I rejected my earlier wanderer self. I just realized something - I let go of that self when I went to grad school and started studying psychology. That was another contributor to the shift away from this. I let go of a lot that I am reclaiming since my relationship to grad school has changed so much now. What you and Alistair are doing with your lives allows me to turn this around and look again.
Pat, boredom is a big problem for me. It is one of my most dangerous states. Here is part of a quote I have tacked on my wall: "The great affair, the love affair with life, is to live as variously as possible, to groom one's curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred, climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day." Because I get bored so quickly, I try to keep moving on into exciting things. The challenge for me is not in sitting. It is in movement up and out into the world.
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